Author: becomingkay

Day 9: Whose Fault Is It?

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“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” – Theodore Roosevelt

Repeat After Me: It’s All My Fault

There is nothing like divorce to oil the blame and self-pity machine. Every now and then I go down the reddit rabbit hole seeking commiseration and read my way through divorce stories. It is remarkable that a large majority of people were apparently married to assholes.

“But s(he) really was a horrible person! S(he) did all those despicable things while I ploughed ahead for this marriage. My behaviour was of course not perfect but no one is. I did my best. My suffering was very real.”

To be fair, this is a bit exaggerated. To be even more fair, I’ve done this sing-song myself. The harsh truth is, for the vast majority no one was truly forced to stay. Even those cheated upon and never knowing about it, it is easier but more self-destructive to cast the other as an asshole, than face the difficult and painful self-introspection: “what is it about me that landed me in such a situation and why did I fail to recognize it?”

Here’s a tiny habit I aim to carve into my brain: whenever I find fault in him, I change the conversation and ask myself how did I fail myself.

In the end, we have to face the fact that it is mathematically impossible for 90% of people to have been married to assholes without some of us also suffering the same affliction.

Unless reddit has a secret asshole-filtering mechanism.

Day 8: Ploughing Through When the Motivation Wave Crashes

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“The three great essentials to achieve anything worthwhile are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense.” – Thomas A. Edison

Stick-to-itiveness Struggle: Setting up a Financial System

Katinka is too loud and clear today for my taste.

“This is all a waste of time and you shall fail”.

“Do people really want to read about how you’re managing your finances? Oh look at me, I entered a number in a spreadsheet!!” – Eye roll.

The joke is on her though, even if I only write this one line, then it is a tiny step forward. I can see her wrinkling her cute button nose and shrugging her shoulder in a “Whatever!” manner.

Most pressing right now is establishing a solid financial system. Divorce is looming around the corner.

  1. Learn the current status
    • Current account balances
    • Mortage & utilities
    • Recurrent costs (subscriptions)
    • Investments
    • Insurance payments
    • Personal spending including food and clothing
    • Expected monthly income
    • Apartment market value
  2. Comb-through iteration:
    • Can any recurrent costs be reduced or eliminated?
  3. Setup a transaction table.
    • List the flow of money among accounts and the outside world.
  4. Check insurance status – are we reasonably insured?
    • List current insurances.
    • Contact for current conditions.
    • Check if the premium can be reduced.
  5. Divide income into reasonable budgets for:
    • Mortage & utilities
    • Recurrent costs (subscriptions)
    • Emergency funds for:
      • Income failure (3 – 6 months)
      • Large/expensive household items or appliances
      • Mobility repairs (car/bike)
      • Apartment repairs
    • Saving funds for:
      • Vacation(s)
      • Replacing household items/furniture
      • Children
    • Investments
    • Retirement
    • Insurance payments
    • Personal Bugets
      • Food
      • Clothing
      • Fun
  6. Future projection – where will the following be in 5 years, 10 years and 20 years:
    • Mortgage
    • Apartment value
    • Investments
    • Retirement plans
  7. Generate additional sources of income

I am still establishing tiny habits for item 1. The rest will come.

There you go Katinka. I wrote something and put a vote for a stick-to-itive me. I counter your eye roll with a silly toungue sticking out.

Day 7: Financial Tiny Habits

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“Beware of little expenses. A small leak will sink a great ship.” – Benjamin Franklin

Getting Practical

Cyril Northcote Parkinson claimed that “work expands to fill the time allotted”. Work is not lone in this neat magic trick. Expenses expand to fill the budget alloted. Trouble really arises when the budget boundaries are ambiguous and unintentionally expand via credit, or through displacing other budgets.

One of the best habits to start once earning money, is to put the maximum sum affordable out of the way. The criteria here is that life should be enjoyable without this sum. Doing that helped me live below my means and save a good amount to eventually put a down-payment on an apartment but it did not curb my spending habits. I am still a consumer. I am still a habitual spender.

If I were to pick and choose my habits, I would want money to be spent either on necessities or on things that bring me joy. To put myself on that path, here are the tiny habit I implemented so far:

  • When I feel the impulse to spend money, I ask myself:
    • Is it a necessity?
    • Will it bring me joy two weeks from now?
    • Is it for an imaginary self, I want to be but I am not (eyeing clothes that don’t fit my lifestye)?
  • Every morning I drink two glasses of water; after I put down the second glass, I write on a post-it note one finance-related task to be done that day. A pad of post-it notes and a pen are readily availabe next to where I place my glass. Here are examples of small tasks I’ve accomplished over the last couple of weeks:
    • Print out a letter to cancel a redundant insurance.
    • List one regular cost in the finance sheet (a Google sheet to list my income and costs).
    • Lookup other regular costs in my bank account and add them to the sheet.
    • Ask for a new login to my online broker account (haven’t used it in years).
    • Enter the current balance for an account into the finance sheet.
    • Call cellphone provider to ask for a better deal (ended up saving 20€ per month).

Two weeks ago, I had no idea where I financially stand. Today I have, albeit humble, a finance sheet that lists my income, my expenses and my current balances. All by spending five minutes a day doing a small task.

Day 6: The Consumer and the Creator

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“Consumption maybe regarded as negative production.” – Alfred Marshall

Facing my Habit-Past

I’ve come to the realisation that my habits lead me to consume instead of create, and in our world, consumption is tied up with spending money. Hardly anything is free. Money is spent for cooking, reading, TV, undertaking activities with friends, travelling and so on. If there is a hobby out there, there is money to be spent on it.

My consumption habits are so strong, that every attempt to create is started by spending money on items much needed for said creation. My drawers are painfully full of such evidence:

  • Water colors, lovely thick paper and good brushes.
  • Sketchbooks and fine pens.
  • A camera stand and lighting.
  • An expensive camera.
  • A quality microphone still sitting in its original box.
  • Software subscriptions to apps I rarelly use.
  • Many more items I’ve donated to clear my drawers for even more items.

Two decades of attempts to create art and failing, because the comfort of consumption is stronger than the awkwardness of creation.

This consumption habit extended to feeding myself and my family. Faced with abundant display of food, my brain would go wild with delicious dishes to be prepared this very week. The reality of a job, children and a household was put on hold and the consequence was, embarrassing amounts of produce had to be thrown out.

The way out of this is no longer making declarations and promises, but to set a system, a very modest system. The very first building block in this system, is finding out where I financially stand. The second is this blog, creating without judgement and making that a daily habit.

Day 5: Motivation Wave on the Turn

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“First forget inspiration. Habit is more dependable. Habit will sustain you whether you’re inspired or not. Habit will help you finish and polish your stories. Inspiration won’t. Habit is persistence in practice.” – Octavia Butler, Bloodchild and Other Stories

Not Feeling Like It

This is it. When starting any new habit, the motivation will turn as sure as death. The critic’s voice becomes loud and threatens to drown all other voices.

Critic: “This adds no value to anyone’s life.”

Critic: “There is no acutal subject here but meandering thoughts with no coherent design or aim.”

Critic: “No one will ever read this.”

Fighting and arguing the critic only serves to validate and encourage her. The internal fighting only leads to more agitation and eventual resignation. But the critic is not I. She is separate from me, and to enforce that idea, I will give her a body and a name. She’s an annoyingly pink little monster that follows me around and finds fault with all I do. Her face is so adorable it is hard to get angry at. The key to calming her down is to acknowledge her without necessarily agreeing. Her name is Katinka.

Me: “Thank you Katinka for your input. These statements are true but they are irrelevant in this situation.”

Me: “I am establishing a writing habit. Content and value will come later.”

Me: “Do you have any suggestions about establishing this habit?”

Katinka: silence.

Day 4: Cutting out the Discussion

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“Success is not obtained overnight. It comes in installments; you get a little bit today, a little bit tomorrow until the whole package is given out. The day you procrastinate, you lose that day’s success.” – Isrealmore Ayivor

Procrastination and the Discussion that Allows It

Procrastination is nothing more than allowing myself an internal discussion, in which I evaluate my readiness or willingness to carry out a task. My current emotional state, along with the critic in my head, suddenly have a saying in what I undertake.

When it comes to brushing my teeth, going to work, working out, cooking dinner for my children, and other established habits, I simply do not have a discussion on whether to proceed. I just do it. There is a timeslot for these activities and when it opens up, I just proceed to the actual doing.

To cut out the discussion, my aim is to simply recognize that I am engaged in an internal debate. Once said debate is acknowledged, I just start with the smallest easiest first step I can take.

This is my master plan for part 2: becoming a master in establishing habits and systems.

Day 3: Tiny Habits from the Past

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Expectations were like fine pottery. The harder you held them, the more likely they were to crack.” – Brandon Sanderson, The Way of Kings

When Expectations are not in the Way

Expectations are in a way similar to money. View them as a tool needed to progress and develop, and they will not get in your way of a good life. Put them on a pedestal and you can forget about ever feeling peace and contentment.

Looking back, success in establishing a habit came easier when expectations were reasonable.

One area where I possessed very little talent compared to my peers is physical fittness. Yet among most of my friends, I work out more consistently and view exercising as a “fun” activity. When I started pursuing physical activity, based on years of being the slowest and the last to be picked in sports, my expecations of myself were very modest. I started slowly and consistently. I gave myself a schedule to keep, a reason to start and permission to stop once my energy tanked. Expectations were, though low, slightly above the current state I was in. That made all the difference.

Years later, I am still progressing and my expectations, at least when it comes to physical fitness, remain slightly ahead of my ability. They are not frightening. They don’t rob the joy from exercising, instead they keep me motivated to push myself just a bit more.

Tiny Habit

This is the tiny habit I started years ago and I still follow consistently. Everyday (either after walking up or at around 4 in the afternoon), I will workout (hiking, swimming or yoga). I almost always start but I always have permission to stop (guilt-free) if I feel tired. Celebration is built in; I feel uplifted and my brainfog clears.

Day 2: a Tiny Success

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“A hair here, a hair there, and soon you have a beard” – Lebanese volk saying.

Differentiating the Goal from the Habit

Comprehending that the effort to establish a habit does not bring one quickly to the goal is no easy task. Writing a couple of sentences each day will not make me a writer; it will, however, establish a writing habit. I remind myself of this fact every day and yet I seem to forget it again in the morning.

We were raised to desire great goals, not to establish good habits.

Tiny Habit Experiment: A Blog Post Every Day

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“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” – over-quoted but so very true Chinese saying.

The Path to Become a Writer – Day 1

Is to write. Following the advice of Dr. T. J. Fogg, I will start a tiny habit that hopefully will set me on the path to becoming a writer. The recipes are:

  • Every morning after I put my glass of water down, I will write on a post-it note my most important (private) task of the day and paste it on the kitchenshelf to see. I will celebrate by smiling.
  • After I paste my post-it on the shelf, I will sit down at my computer and write one tiny blog post. I will celebrate by playing a favorite music list (very quitely so as not to wake up my children).

Day 1 accomplished. Time effort: around 10 minutes. Mental effort: easy.

The Day Brushing My Teeth Was Fun

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I’ve seen war and had to hide in a basement while bombs fell close by. I’ve seen close family members being slowly eaten up from the inside by cancer. I’ve had people close to me, young and old, die just like that, a random event that no one could’ve foreseen.

It is all very serious.

Yet, if someone were to do a study on the amount of thought my brain dedicates to the mundane and trivial, to regret and shame, some embarrassing results are sure to see the light. You know, like those studies that inform us we spend 50 days having sex, and around 1.5 years on the toilet.

Ever since my parents handed me a tooth brush and said: “You should brush your teeth!”, it’s been a struggle. Latter on, I carried the torch myself and added to my evening routine “should -list”: you should brush your teeth, you should floss, you should wash your face, you should use face cream, you should…

Silly isn’t it?

But the internal way I berate myself isn’t. I’ve spent every evening so far a good ten minutes (never measured, guestimating here) bullying myself into brushing my teeth.

“You’re gross! Just do it and stop whining so much.”

“What a silly person you are, why do you spend more time thinking about such a mundane task than the task actually requires.”

“What kind of self-absorbed person wastes brain power on this shit? Look at all the suffering in the world! You disgust me.”

Some days I rebelled and didn’t. The I proceeded to berate myself harder and only managing to feel better when I promised myself that I will “get it together” starting tomorrow.

“From this day forward, I shall brush my teeth and never waver in the face of laziness. Willpower shall be my second name.”

Now extrapolate this sad self talk to almost ALL other areas in my life:

  • Study
  • Work
  • Parenting
  • My personal relationships
  • Health
  • Food and diet
  • Legal issues (insurances, writing a will and the like)
  • Hobbies and personal pursuits

Not so silly anymore. No wonder I feel beaten up the entire time. No wonder I carry this anger inside me. I’m bullied round the clock.

Lately I’ve been seeking solitude and delving more into my head to understand myself better. I’ve been trying to observe and understand without judgement, which is no easy feat.

And the first breakthrough happened a couple of days ago. On the ground getting the little ones ready for bed, I thought to myself: “Come on little one, get into bed. I’m getting my teeth brushed, I’m having my face massaged and moisturized. I’d also love to have my feet washed and massaged.”

And for the first time in 35 years, I actually looked forward to my evening routine. I enjoyed it. And there was no bullying needed.

For the first time, I talked to myself in a loving way. I always focused on the fact that I am forced to do the work. This shift in focus to the fact that I am also the receiver of the benefits was a breakthrough.

Now comes the overwhelming task of extrapolating this manner of talking to more serious matters. Finding the pleasure in all the work I do and shifting my focus to that, feels at this moment like swimming up a mountain.