Author: becomingkay

#19: A Sad Business

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Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.

C.S. Lewis

Dementors Are Very Real

One idea that stuck with me from the Harry Potter series is that of the dementors. What a particularly creative way to describe depression: it emerges out of nowhere, it sucks the joy out of you, and your surroundings take on a gloomier tone. You are overwhelmed with an eerie feeling that you will never be joyful again.

However.

There’s a spell, the Patronus charm. You cast quite the advanced and challenging spell by conjuring up happy memories. Newbies casting this charm manage only whisps of light that push the dementor back, but with practice they will eventually produce fully-fledged creatures of light that banish the dementors.

On days like today, all I can manage is the aforementioned whisp of light. For a split second, I can recall what joy felt like; still, just like a flimsy whisp it dissolves into thin air and poof, back into the pit of sorrow. Did J.K. Rowling ever figure out how to produce a full Patronus in real life? Recalling very happy memories only results in me doubling down on myself for being so entitled to feel misery. If you’ve seen war and sickness, you’ve seen “real” misery. So how can I allow myself in health and peace to such despair.

Expecto Patronum ironically means “I wait for a protector”. Wisemen throughout history have tirelessly reiterated the life lesson that no one other than oneself will bring us happiness. It’s one of those infuriating clichés that provokes the need to punch someone. The very reason it infuriates is that it is too simple and too true. The only protector worth waiting for is residing inside us. That’s the genius of the Patronus charm, it must come from within.

On days like today though, it remains out of reach.

Day 18: Treat Yourself Like A Dog

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If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.

Mark Twain

That is, only if you treat dogs well.

I am perfectly aware that the quote is not the best match for what I aim to say here. I like it though, and I have almost no readers, so other than Katinka, who’s judging?.

Whenever I mention my desire to get a dog, people become admant about how much care they need, and how essential multiple daily walks are. Responsible dog owners take care to get regular checkups, maintain a balanced diet and provide enough exercise. All I can think of is I need a responsible human owner (here’s a can of worms I almost opened) coach. One that will open the door three times a day and say: “Time for a walk. Sapiens were not made for sitting for hours on end. Treating them as such is human cruelty.”

Day 17: The Curious Case of Missing Humor

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Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

E. B. White

Practice is Painful

My writing is stiff and too serious. In real life, I make people laugh, so I naively assumed that makes me funny. Either that is true or a lot of people around me find me very attractive (the only other reason people laugh at lame jokes). Did you see what I did there? Subtle.

Yet, put fingers to keyboard, and the words are explaining-the-holocaust-to-my-children serious. Telling myself to “write something funny” is as productive as “say something smart”; it opens a pit of self criticism and despair. I know it is bad when I am kicking myself for having no chocolate at home.

Just like the frog, today’s post is dying a miserable death.

Day 16: Corrupt to the Core

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The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

Friedrich Nietzche

What Are You Going To Do About It?

Moving to the developed west from a “third world” country (why did they skip number two?), I was fascinated by the shame and offence surrounding corruption. Corruption scandals still existed, but the general population and media reliably responded with indignation, and the authorities followed up with real consequences – at least some of the time.

Where I grew up, blatant corruption is not even a scandal. When it comes to light, the general population reliably responds either with country-wide resignation or anger, the media reports in a such a careful manner so as not to offend anyone of importance. The authorities are the ones most likely perpetuating the offence, so consequences to the guilty are non-existant. On the other hand, consequences to the most vulnerable exist in a too painfully real manner.

This corruption is not based on dictatorship, but on mass-participation of many groups and factions, whose boundaries are drawn based mostly on religion. The people in each and every single group love to blame the corrupt politicians, who are definitely deserving of it; nevertheless, the people at every level of society participate themselves in corrupt behaviour. You cannot get by without engaging in some sort of corrupt transaction, because you will be lacking for a job, for electricity or for water. You must pay some corrupt official to get some document moving. For small corrupt deeds, the average person is scarily nonchalant.

The major perpetuator of corruption, though, is the manner in which we are raised. It didn’t manner which corner you came from, how educated your family is and how honest your parents are, there is always this one individual they held in very high esteem. An esteem so high, it bordered on worship. No one ever spoke ill of him or criticized his conduct – they are almost all men.

These politicians and religious leaders at the top are merely the symptom of a culture too comfortable with corruption. Once one of them dies, another one will surely pop out, and will be kept on top by the solid belief that he can do no wrong. It is important to point out that there are people who do not participate in this idiolisation. They are, however, in the minority, and are generally kept down.

For the last two years, my home country plunged in an existential crisis; hunger and poverty are spreading. Despite all the misery and corruption on display, the same old men sit at the top held in great esteem by their corner of the country. I have no hope because I know how the struggling people at the bottom, still look at their designated leader, and cannot bring themselves to condemn him.

All systems, however, break down when hunger becomes too real.

Day 15: Dissonance between Logic and Pleasure

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If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

E.B.White

The Spock Phenomenon

I never watched Star Trek in my life, except, back in the 80s, for an episode or two running in the background at my Grandparents’ place; I, however, still know very well who Spock is, and I understand his character’s significance in the series. Channelling the Peppa Pig narrator, “everyone knows who Spock is!”

Spock the character hits a common human nerve: the daily struggle between doing what is logical and pursuing what is pleasurable. If one can consistently channel the inner Spock, bad judgements would be a thing of the past, or so the hope goes. Simple daily pleasures can still be enjoyed; but decisions will no longer be steered by short term pleasure or its cousin, avoidance of pain.

Inner Spock will not let you stay in a bad marriage to avoid the pain of facing the unknown, keep the pleasure of good sex or maintain a comfortable lifestyle.

Inner Spock will not let you waste your income on shiny new toys to impress others or pacify yourself. Some toys though are ok, they can bring pleasure for years.

Inner Spock will know that emotions are inevitable, but they are mere waves to be surfed. Decisions are to be made on the beach, not balancing on a board at the wave’s peak. Unfortunately, when the wave roars, inner Spock’s voice is drowned. A worthy pursuit is cultivating the awareness of where you are in the present moment:

Are you at the top of the wave?

Is the wave crashing around you?

Or are you standing safely with solid ground beneath you?

Day 14: The Art of Shutting Up …

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“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” ― Stephen R. Covey

… And Listening

When I was in my early teens, I had an aunt offer me the today-equivalent of 5 dollars if I were to shut up for five minutes. I embarrasingly failed to win the cash, and not even by a short margin. If you want to understand an aspect of human behaviour, search for the rare currency. When it comes to conversation, the ability to listen is definitely scarcer than that to speak, and examples abound. Anyone who raised children knows that for the vast majority, teaching them to not rudely interrupt is a long term effort. Listening is not sapiens’ strongest attribute.

Nelson Mandela, who I imagine had to answer over and over for decades on end the same interview question on leadership, speaks of a crucial childhood lesson on what makes a great chief (and I would argue a great person).

As a boy, Mandela was greatly influenced by Jongintaba, the tribal king who raised him. When Jongintaba had meetings of his court, the men gathered in a circle, and only after all had spoken did the king begin to speak. The chief’s job, Mandela said, was not to tell people what to do but to form a consensus. “Don’t enter the debate too early,” he used to say.

Mandela: His 8 Lessons of Leadership

This is genuinely hard to habitualize. Our nature disposes us to speak and not listen. We love to talk, so much so even introverted or shy individuals, once engaged in an interesting conversation, seem to speak more than listen. In the very worth-listening-to audiobook “The Elephant in the Brain”, the authors argue that the main purpose of conversation is not the exchange of useful information as we would like to believe, but to “show off our mental ability”.

If exchanging information were the be-all und end-all of conversation, then we would expect people to be greedy listeners and stingy speakers, instead we typically find ourselves with the opposite attitude: eager to speak at every opportunity. In fact, we often compete to have our voices heard, by interupting speakers or raising our voice to speak over them.

… and so it is with conversation, participants evaluate each other not just as trading partners but also as potential allies. Speakers are eager to impress listeners by saying new and useful things, but the facts themselves can be secondary. Instead it is more important for speakers to demonstrate that they have abilites that are attractive in an ally.

The Elephant in the Brain

Professinal meetings are a perfect display of speaking to show off rather than to exchange information. After sitting through hundreds of meetings, one fact painfully stands out. The amount of useful information exchanged is disproportianetly small to the amount of chatter going on. Meetings almost always end with the disparaging feeling that “this could have been settled in 10 minutes. Why were we here for an hour?”. The exception proves the rule: when the information exchanged really matches the effort and time spent, several people comment in delightful surprise how effective this meeting was.

I have learned, at least at work, to take my time in formulating a question, ask said question, and then simply shut up. In the beginning, the few seconds of silence that follow will be overwhelming and the drive to fill the silence with words will threaten to overpower. I would literally whisper to myself, “Shut up and wait.” Sadly, I am not yet this far in my personal life.

A pragmatic habit to adopt: every time someone speaks directly to me (calls me by name), I will say (silently in my head of course) the phrase “listen with the intent to repeat every word this person is saying”.

Day 13: Confusing Needs and Solutions

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“If you define the problem correctly, you almost have the solution.” – Steve Jobs

A Solution in Need’s Clothing

A useful sidekick to have when the “I really need/want …” wave hits is a three year old: no selfconsciousness yet and unabated curiosity. The cheeky three year old will counter any answer you give her with “Why?”.

Counter that “I need/want…” statement with a “Why?”, rinse and repeat; in the end almost always the big reveal is that the need is simply a solution to a hidden problem.

Let’s call that three year old Kay.

Me: “I want to write a blog.”

Kay: “Why?”

Me: “Because I want to become a writer and I need practice.”

Kay: “Why do you want to become a writer?”

Me: “Well, because I have thoughts and ideas to tell.”

Kay: “Why do you want to tell them?”

Me: “If I don’t put them out, they’ll be forgotten. That scares me.”

Kay: “Why?”

Me: “Well, my fear is I will not have time to exchange them with my children. If I die young, like my mother, they will not know me. I wish my mother had left me her thoughts.”

That’s it. The need is to leave my children something of me. The solution is to write. Starting a blog was never really a need or want, it was a solution.

The key lesson here is to make sure that the solution is the most fitting one to the actual need.

Day 12: Tending to the Tiny Habit

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“A brilliant idea is like a baby in a mother’s womb. You need to bring it out in the world, nurture it, feed it, grow it, till it becomes big enough to take care of itself. If you leave it at the stage of an idea itself, it is as good as non existent.” ― Manoj Arora, From the Rat Race to Financial Freedom

No Vacation for Parents

Accepting the fact that if a new habit is to survive, there is no way around the nuisance of daily practice. Later on, when well established, it can be done less frequently and with more depth. Side note: think of the fun ways of misinterpreting this statement. Anyway, pick your choice of youngling, human, dog or plant; in the beginning it is a full time job making sure it survives. Learning and thriving comes after survival is sure.

So if anyone (hello lazy self) is wrestling with the lack of progress after mere 12 days of practicing, remember this is the survival phase. Growth is dreadfully slow and can be only seen in hindsight, after you put in the hours.

That’s it for day 12. I showed up. I wrote. One more day where I didn’t kill this writing habit.

Day 11: Meet The Little Monsters

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“In the inner courtroom of my mind, mine is the only judgment that counts.” ― Nathaniel Branden, Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

Katinka’s Gang

Those that suffered insomnia know the emotional torture an avalanche of thoughts produces. Imagine sitting the in midst of overbearing family members, while they outpour opinions and ideas about how you live your life. The conversations get louder, the emotions bigger and sleep more distant.

Years back, when my insominia started streching into months, I sought help, where I always do, in books. In The Sleep Book by Guy Meadows, a woman explained how she started taking attendace of the monsters that visited her at night, just as a teacher would her students. She was able to mentally separate her emotions and inner critics from her own self. An awesome, albeit wacky, mental trick. This is a clever strategy not just to separate the pervasive thoughts from the self, but to sort them, accept them and move on.

The more concrete these monsters became, the more I could listen to what they have to say, accept it and then let it go. This cut the stress cycle in its tracks.

Katinka’s gang is adorable and colourful. They balloon up or shrink down depending on how persistent they are. The abnoxious leader is Katinka, who follows me around to constantly proclaim “You’ll fail baby! Give up before embarrasing yourself.” For whatever reason she has too much makeup on, bordering on warpaint levels.

The others don’t have names, only colours. Unimaginatively, blue is the sad one. He (don’t ask why he’s male) is just this bundle of sadness that sometimes grows into this huge fat blob that I just want to disappear into.

Unlike Katinka’s opressive hot-pink colour, there is the soft pastel-pink monster who made quite the presence when lovesickness hit me hard. By the way, it is not lost at me how pathetically predictable the colour choice is.

The yellow one plans castles in the sky without taking a breath in between.

Suspiciously missing here is the monster that is kind to me.

Day 10: Too Cute to be Wise

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“Keep only those things that speak to your heart. Then take the plunge and discard the rest.” – Marie Kondo

Wisdom from a Decluttering Book

If an older honourable looking man were to preach to keep only those items in your life that bring you joy, he would be a thought leader, a wise man. (Unfortunately?) Marie Kondo is a tiny and very cute Japanese woman with a face so adorable, one can never imagine it looking formidable and authorative. So she has become a decluttering guru with a Netflix show.

That is truly unfortunate. The idea that material possessions bring little happiness is as old as the written word; humans, however, despite this wisdom, have been accumulating frightening amounts of possessions. Few alive are able to follow Diogenes’s example and discard everything. The genius of Marie’s philosophy is giving permission to keep material posessions but only those that bring us joy.

The moment I asked myself her question, “Does this object bring me joy?”, all hell broke loose. I couldn’t help extrapolating and asking the same question regarding people in my life.

“Why is this person in my life, when they bring me no joy?”

“Why does this idea live on in my head, when it brings me no joy?”

The answer here is not to simply disgard objects, relationships and ideas for their lack of joy-bringing, but to deliberately decide to keep them, fully aware of your decision to do so. There are objects, people and ideas worth keeping around despite their joy-sucking nature. Better in reasonable doses though.

The biggest mistake here is confusing joy with pleasure. Pleasure is fleeting, a quick snapshot in time. Joy from a person or an object tends to persist and not fade.

A decluttering book set me on the path of ending a relationship that gave me occasional pleasure but no joy.