“In the inner courtroom of my mind, mine is the only judgment that counts.” ― Nathaniel Branden, Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

Katinka’s Gang

Those that suffered insomnia know the emotional torture an avalanche of thoughts produces. Imagine sitting the in midst of overbearing family members, while they outpour opinions and ideas about how you live your life. The conversations get louder, the emotions bigger and sleep more distant.

Years back, when my insominia started streching into months, I sought help, where I always do, in books. In The Sleep Book by Guy Meadows, a woman explained how she started taking attendace of the monsters that visited her at night, just as a teacher would her students. She was able to mentally separate her emotions and inner critics from her own self. An awesome, albeit wacky, mental trick. This is a clever strategy not just to separate the pervasive thoughts from the self, but to sort them, accept them and move on.

The more concrete these monsters became, the more I could listen to what they have to say, accept it and then let it go. This cut the stress cycle in its tracks.

Katinka’s gang is adorable and colourful. They balloon up or shrink down depending on how persistent they are. The abnoxious leader is Katinka, who follows me around to constantly proclaim “You’ll fail baby! Give up before embarrasing yourself.” For whatever reason she has too much makeup on, bordering on warpaint levels.

The others don’t have names, only colours. Unimaginatively, blue is the sad one. He (don’t ask why he’s male) is just this bundle of sadness that sometimes grows into this huge fat blob that I just want to disappear into.

Unlike Katinka’s opressive hot-pink colour, there is the soft pastel-pink monster who made quite the presence when lovesickness hit me hard. By the way, it is not lost at me how pathetically predictable the colour choice is.

The yellow one plans castles in the sky without taking a breath in between.

Suspiciously missing here is the monster that is kind to me.