I’ve seen war and had to hide in a basement while bombs fell close by. I’ve seen close family members being slowly eaten up from the inside by cancer. I’ve had people close to me, young and old, die just like that, a random event that no one could’ve foreseen.

It is all very serious.

Yet, if someone were to do a study on the amount of thought my brain dedicates to the mundane and trivial, to regret and shame, some embarrassing results are sure to see the light. You know, like those studies that inform us we spend 50 days having sex, and around 1.5 years on the toilet.

Ever since my parents handed me a tooth brush and said: “You should brush your teeth!”, it’s been a struggle. Latter on, I carried the torch myself and added to my evening routine “should -list”: you should brush your teeth, you should floss, you should wash your face, you should use face cream, you should…

Silly isn’t it?

But the internal way I berate myself isn’t. I’ve spent every evening so far a good ten minutes (never measured, guestimating here) bullying myself into brushing my teeth.

“You’re gross! Just do it and stop whining so much.”

“What a silly person you are, why do you spend more time thinking about such a mundane task than the task actually requires.”

“What kind of self-absorbed person wastes brain power on this shit? Look at all the suffering in the world! You disgust me.”

Some days I rebelled and didn’t. The I proceeded to berate myself harder and only managing to feel better when I promised myself that I will “get it together” starting tomorrow.

“From this day forward, I shall brush my teeth and never waver in the face of laziness. Willpower shall be my second name.”

Now extrapolate this sad self talk to almost ALL other areas in my life:

• Study
• Work
• Parenting
• My personal relationships
• Health
• Food and diet
• Legal issues (insurances, writing a will and the like)
• Hobbies and personal pursuits

Not so silly anymore. No wonder I feel beaten up the entire time. No wonder I carry this anger inside me. I’m bullied round the clock.

Lately I’ve been seeking solitude and delving more into my head to understand myself better. I’ve been trying to observe and understand without judgement, which is no easy feat.

And the first breakthrough happened a couple of days ago. On the ground getting the little ones ready for bed, I thought to myself: “Come on little one, get into bed. I’m getting my teeth brushed, I’m having my face massaged and moisturized. I’d also love to have my feet washed and massaged.”

And for the first time in 35 years, I actually looked forward to my evening routine. I enjoyed it. And there was no bullying needed.

For the first time, I talked to myself in a loving way. I always focused on the fact that I am forced to do the work. This shift in focus to the fact that I am also the receiver of the benefits was a breakthrough.

Now comes the overwhelming task of extrapolating this manner of talking to more serious matters. Finding the pleasure in all the work I do and shifting my focus to that, feels at this moment like swimming up a mountain.