It seems wanting to change course opened up a can of worms. Since I wrote my first post on wanting to take charge of my life, things have been unraveling (at least in my head) quickly and the effects reverberating into all areas in my life.

All my fears, feelings of inadequacy and regrets have bubbled up to the surface. If you meet me at a cocktail party, I can tell you two stories, one shiny and pretty, the other mournful and bleak.

I am a female engineer. It seems all around me, simultaneously possessing the female reproductive system and having a degree in engineering is reason enough for heart-felt admiration. The worst part is a part of me believes that the admiration is deserved. Really? I bet no man receives that much of a positive reaction when he mentions his day job.

So if we meet at a cocktail party, and you ask me what do I do, I will say:

“Oh, I am an engineer. I mostly develop control solutions for heating systems, I work on the software part (that’s impressive, no? Especially for a woman!). But now I’m working only part-time so as to spend time with my seriously adorable (no really, they are freakin cute) children. That handsome guy over there? That’s my soon-to-be husband. He’s a wonderful father (he really is) and we’re planning our small lovely wedding this summer. We have a cute little place in the city with a charming rooftop terrace and wonderful neighbors (they really are). I’ve got a lot to be grateful for.”

There you go. Isn’t that splendid? It’s all true after all. And when I go online, many seem to be telling similar stories.

Then why is it that the story that holds itself in my head is darker and gloomier?

If I were that depressing person at a party who unloads their life problems on an unsuspecting I-was-just-being-nice party goer, I’d go a bit like this:

“Meh, I work as an engineer mostly because it sounded like an escape ticket to the free West when I was 17. I get no fulfillment from it though, mostly it earns me good money. I work part-time to help take care of my kids. They’re so cute but unfortunately they inherited my Mediterranean temper and their father’s German stubbornness. It’ll do them good in life I know, but my poor nerves! That guy over there? That’s my soon-to-be husband. It’s been 11 years man and I’ve been thinking of playing Katy Perry’s “Hot n Cold” as our wedding song. We have a cute little place in the city with a charming rooftop terrace and wonderful neighbors, but many days I have serious doubt that I’m cut for this happy little family gig.”

You might be thinking, “Good lord, what an ungrateful self-absorbed party-pooper.”  No? Well, that’s what I tell myself after I have my little for-one pity party.

Anyway if we were at my dream pity-party, Jibran Khalil Jibran would be there and he’d tell me:

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.

Yes true. I have an attitude problem. I sulk about many of the issues facing me without really doing anything about it. That’s when Goerge Bernard Shaw would intervene to add:

The man with a toothache thinks everyone happy whose teeth are sound. The poverty-stricken man makes the same mistake about the rich man.

You are right too, George, just because I have a good life compared to others less fortunate, does not disqualify me from sadness or discontent.  But also I should not be so discontent to think that those who achieved more success have arrived into a nirvana beyond my reach.

But what would a dream party be without the master of all things quotes to tell me that:

What a wee little part to a person’s life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.

“Please marry me Mark Twain!”.

This is my problem. The real life led in my head feels unauthentic and out of my control. I’m following a blueprint that I did not consciously design. But most of all, I feel empty because I have not tried, and I have not failed.

Today, I’ll meet with a good friend and we’ll start our journey to try, perhaps fail, perhaps succeed. But at least try.

Plans to follow…